Major Rant
An inauspicious way to begin a new blog, but I am having some very serious anger management issues at the moment.
There is a guy in my workplace who holds the distinction of being one of the most obnoxious and odious humans I have ever had the misfortune to encounter. He is not just an attorney, he is something more than an attorney in my office. He actually holds a position that commands authority and respect, despite his personal short-comings in living up to that position.
I am thirty-eight years old. I have been around the block a time or two.
Most of the friends I have had in my life have been guy friends.
I get along quite well with most people I encounter.
I get along very well with most all of the eight-five people with whom I work.
This one human drives me up the wall because he constantly makes lewd and inappropriate remarks, is loud and is generally disgusting. When I hear him coming down the hall, I cringe because I fear he will step into my office and attempt to share yet another dirty joke.
Yes, I have already put him on notice I am not amused by his humor and that I would really appreciate being excluded from his visits.
The net result of my request: He goes out of his way now to talk to me and tries to tease and pick on me.
Now, I am not a prude. I joke with my buddies and as far as teasing is concerned, can give as good as I get. I’m not typically offended easily and dirty jokes shared among “friends” do not bother me. I happen to have quite a repertoire of my own; however, this guy is out of line and certainly does not fall into that group I denote as “friend.”
I am rather tightly wound; however, I am far more laid-back than I was ten and fifteen years ago. Nonetheless, I have a hair-trigger temper. While I have learned to bite my tongue over the years, when I blow, I am lethal.
My normal office attire consists primarily of skirts with an occasional pair of trousers or jeans thrown in.
While my legs are one of the few body parts I actually like about myself, when I wear skirts, they are usually slim fitting, but long, as in ankle-length with a slit or vent either down the back or down one side. I like the long silhouette look of the slim skirt and the versatility in allowing me to wear heels, flats or boots with them.
It is the rare occasion I wear a short skirt and my definition of such is a skirt that is an inch or so above the knees. I threw out the mini-skirts when I turned thirty.
Late this afternoon, I walked into the break room to rinse out my teacup. There were five other people in there when I walked in. One of my male colleagues with whom I get along quite well let loose with a low wolf whistle and said: “Whoa, she’s got legs!”
I let it go because I knew he was just teasing me. I was not offended at all. In fact, I appreciated the compliment.
However, my nemesis was also present.
As I turned to rinse my cup in the sink, I heard him say rather loudly: “Yeah, I think they would look even better wrapped around me.”
What can I say?
The top of my head blew off.
I walked over to the door, closed it, then turned to the five people standing in the room with me.
And, so I began:
“YOU (pointing to asshole) owe ME an apology. THAT was totally out of line and unacceptable. YOU actually hold a position of authority and respect in this office. If YOU ever and I mean EVER even look cross-ways at me again I will slap you with an EEO faster than you can say ‘Thank you, Ma’am.’”
Stunned silence ensued.
“Do YOU understand?”
“Are WE clear?”
All I received was a slight nod.
“FINE. Thank you.”
Shortly after I returned to my office the Chief Judge came for a visit and asked if I wanted to pursue formal charges.
I declined.
Do you think there is now a target on my back?
Double standard here?
I don’t know.
What I do believe is the second man took it way too far.
There is a line between a compliment and harassment.
In my mind he crossed it.
October 25th, 2005 at 6:03 pm
let me reassure you: it’s not just in your mind. HE crossed it.
[on a completely different note, way to go, mom! let him have it]
October 25th, 2005 at 6:32 pm
No EEO, you’re a target. EEO, you’re a partner. I would demand the sweet corner office. Good luck!
October 25th, 2005 at 7:00 pm
I think they’ve been put on notice-next time it happens, sue the shit out of them, retire and blog full time. I hope your employer knows what a ticking time bomb they have-keeping that jerk around is the equivalent of owning a pit bull that has already bitten two people. Hell, I’d get back into private practice just to handle that case-I’d take my 35% and we could both retire.
October 25th, 2005 at 7:13 pm
Whoa! That is one tough position you are in. He crossed the line, no doubt, between flirty banter and downright nasty. Only you know the situation, so I wouldn’t dare give advice. But you sure had every reason to blow your top! I’ve got me a hair trigger temper myself, and I think you handled yourself very well.
October 25th, 2005 at 7:33 pm
What a great post to start a blog!
Some people still haven’t figured out what constitutes unwanted attention. With companies being so sensitive to sexual harrassment they must be pretty darn dumb.
October 25th, 2005 at 8:13 pm
I don’t have enough data to say what to do, but I tend to agree with Velociman on the whole. You showed great restraint in not blowing sooner, and can’t blame you a bit. I probably would have done so sooner, for my temper is bad too…
October 25th, 2005 at 8:32 pm
But your legs would look better wrapped around me! Just Damn!
October 25th, 2005 at 8:48 pm
I’m sure Dax is better looking
I would have done worse. I would have conjugated some 4 letter words as well.
As far as crossing a line is concerned, there’s a difference between a compliment and a proposition. The first comment was the former, the second was the latter, no more, no less.
As far as targets are concerned, if that guy is smart he’ll just lay off, and anyone else in the room who knows you shouldn’t be a problem….
October 25th, 2005 at 8:59 pm
I think we need to see the legs to make a fair and accurate judgement here.
Actually, I have blown my top at a man at my workplace who spoke to one of his subordinates that way. He didn’t know the boundaries between compliment and cad. Luckily he’s not over me, but he is in a position to make some aspects of my work difficult. However, I note he has been on better behavior and I find my paperwork is processed in his office much more quickly by the fine workers there.
If this man acts that way to you, you can be certain he acts that way to others. Do some bud-nipping now and save yourself and others a mess of problems if he increases in authority. And rest assured you can also be pretty certain he never gets laid without a cash advance.
October 25th, 2005 at 9:15 pm
I think you handled that just right. He was way out of line with that remark.
October 25th, 2005 at 9:26 pm
I just knew it.
Blogging is a dread disease, worse than peanuts. Every time I “quit” for more than a week, I get the fidgets, and I don’t sleep well. I get restless, and I even snarl at Mrs. OWW - trust me, that does NOT go over well!
Welcome back!
Oh, yeah, you DO have nice legs.
And about the creep? I’m kind of let down - after all, you let the sleazoid live. You did, however, chop his legs right off, in public - as he damned well did deserve.
October 25th, 2005 at 9:53 pm
Good to see you around again!
I think you were nicer to the jerk then I would have been.
I am pretty sure I would have used more than a few four-letter words.
October 25th, 2005 at 10:23 pm
What a DICK! Good for you - I think I would still be screaming at him.
October 25th, 2005 at 10:53 pm
You knew exactly where the line was, and you let Mr. Putz know that he had crossed it…in front of witnesses. I think you’re on Terra Verra Firma here.
In our Great Corporate Salt Mine, there is absolutely No Frickin’ Way I would ever make a comment like that to a co-worker. It just flat ain’t appropriate.
Get Big-Time Feisty on this guy if he acts up again. David Spence has the right idea.
October 26th, 2005 at 1:58 am
Wow!! He totally crossed the line! I used to work with a guy like that, but at least that was at the fire station; still there is no excuse for his comments or behavior.
I think you handled the situation well. I hope he isn’t able to make the workplace hostile.
October 26th, 2005 at 4:53 am
You are awesome. Far too many women would have let it slide because they felt uncomfortable. The guy was not being complimentary he was being crude and demeaning and he deserved everything you gave him.
Of course I’m pretty sure you terrified the other people in the room too
October 26th, 2005 at 6:53 am
I think you handled that with grace and style. You let him know, in no uncertain terms, that what he said was entirely inappropriate. AND you did it in a room full of people.
I’m betting he leaves you alone from now on.
October 26th, 2005 at 7:55 am
I am so glad you handled that the way you did! There is a department in my hospital where the men sexually harass the women every day and the women either slink away and complain about it to their girlfriends or act flattered that those jerks are “flirting.”
Good job!
Moogie sent me to you!
October 26th, 2005 at 7:59 am
Jerks sometimes have trouble stopping being jerks.
Get a pocket notebook and document him. Every time he says something inappropriate, document it with time, place, and names of witnesses.
October 26th, 2005 at 8:17 am
Aw, c’mon, don’t hold back. Tell him how you REALLY feel.
Seriously, He needs to be taken down. Comments and actions such as that are NOT to be tolerated in this day and time.
And, welcome back, blogmom!
October 26th, 2005 at 8:32 am
It Sucks.
(Whoops sorry!)
Take Care
Michael
October 26th, 2005 at 8:44 am
Bravo! If there’s one thing I cant’ stand, it’s a bully. Seriously, if I was in that breakroom, somebody would have been invited into the parking lot. Although, it’s obvious you can take care of yourself pretty damn good!
I manage a “satellite” office for my company and recently had a problem with one of our clients sexually harassing some of my youngest workers. He actually sang Frankie Goes to Hollywood’s “Relax” to one of them over the phone! That was a tough to deal with, but some folks in high positions are now watching the freak’s every move. Amazingly, the man is a risk manager and is in charge of his own employer’s sexual harassment training! It’s like those rogue fire investigators who become arsonists, I guess.
I won’t even comment on my co-worker’s appearances, even if I notice they have a new hair-do or outfit. I have said, “You look exceptionally business appropriate today.” I never want any of my subordinates to feel uncomfortable or demeaned at work. At a previous employer, I once defended my assistant from unwanted advances by a senior V.P. and paid a TERRIBLE price for helping her, but I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
Congrats on getting your new site up, BTW. You’re goin’ on the blogroll!
October 26th, 2005 at 9:00 am
Wow. This is amazing to me. I’ve worked for attorneys for nearly 15 years, and have NEVER heard of one saying ANYTHING like that. I always imagined they’d be too terrified. Sounds like this guy is on a path toward self-destruction.
But I agree that if he’s as smart as he should be, he’ll stay WAY clear of you from now on!
October 26th, 2005 at 9:20 am
Pow! Right between the eyes! Well done!
That was one heck of a warning. If he doesn’t pay attention to it, he deserves whatever he gets.
October 26th, 2005 at 9:49 am
Once again, confirmation that you are a Goddess! You don’t have a target. Chief Judge knows where you stand and anything else from him, won’t be tolerated. Remember? Retaliation is also grounds for an EEO. You absolutely cannot have persons in a position of power exuding that kind of ignorance. Glad you let him have it, but I would have had to have gone ahead and filed the EEO could’a been your ticket to easy road
just kidding!
October 26th, 2005 at 9:50 am
My last comment got flagged, don’t know why. But if you go through your spam filter maybe you will see it! Love ya!
October 26th, 2005 at 9:56 am
You could have economized on your words and simply planted your knee in his jewelbag. Then see if he had any left to complain with.
Yah, that’d work just as good as EEO, and take less time too.
October 26th, 2005 at 10:19 am
Hey, you handled that one just fine! This guy should really know better, especially being a lawyer! Now that you’ve put him on notice, it could get very interesting; make sure you keep us updated!
(Glad to see ya back, too, sistah!)
October 26th, 2005 at 12:32 pm
I’ll do ‘im for ya…my pleasure. Just say the word….
October 26th, 2005 at 1:13 pm
I do not think that there is a target. I do think you handled it properly, although I suppose there may have been other avenues open to you. I wouldn’t dream of second guessing you. I trust your judgment.
I would like to see a picture of the legs to better judge the whole post, though.
October 26th, 2005 at 4:42 pm
First, he’s a lawyer fer shits sake! I’m assuming all lawyers know damn well about sexual harrassment.
A target? Depends on who told the Chief Judge. If he told the Chief, then it’s safe to assume he thinks they are buddies enough to tell him and the Chief was just doing his job visiting you. Then you are a target.
If it was anyone else, then I’d agree with VMan and you will be partner within the year.
Now pat yourself on the back lady. You may have a hair trigger temper, but you still handled yourself like a true lady.
Me? I would have jumped on the table, slid up to him, wrapped my legs around his head and snapped his neck with my thighs.
October 26th, 2005 at 4:45 pm
You must have a strong spam filter, my comment got flagged. I hope you see it.
October 26th, 2005 at 6:44 pm
Yes, you do have some very nice, pretty strong leggs. Some of the better ones, I have ever seen. How is my girl Susan? Love you Cat.
October 26th, 2005 at 6:55 pm
I’m with Livey on this one. She kinda stole my Thunder though. I used to go for that “legs look better wrapped ’round me” line amongst friends, but then, I saw Bladerunner, and saw what ol’ what’s her name (Daryl Hannah) did, or damned near did to Harrison Ford… A couple back flips and a half “round off”. Next thing he knows… well he’s up to his neck in legs. He’s flat out lucky his momma “didn’t have a baby and it’s head popped off” ’cause his(Ford’s, not your… coworker’s) just about did… Be careful what you wish for fella’s…
October 26th, 2005 at 9:16 pm
Holy crap! You had his balls right in your hand (’specially since you work for the gummint). He was lucky you didn’t squeeze them or cut them off.
October 26th, 2005 at 11:04 pm
I haven’t read any of the comments and I’m sure that there is plenty of sage advice here but I hadda add my 1.65 cents worth (adjusted for inflation):
If there is a target on your back you shouldn’t be working there. That person was WAYYYY out of line and, considering your line of work, I can’t for the LIFE of me figure out why he would have the gall to think he could get away with such rudeness. Nevertheless, it would seem to me that you’ve handled the situation thus far admirably.
From this point on the man is on notice. I would not hesitate to do exactly what you said should he be stupid enough to cross that line again.
There’s NOTHING wrong with saying “You look nice today,” but what he said was rude, crude and totally unacceptable.
You. Go. Girl.
October 27th, 2005 at 9:32 am
I didn’t read all the comments, so if somebody already recommended this, I apologize.
Write the incident down on compay letterhead. Have a written record. Make sure you write down what your actions are to be as a result of the incident and why. Also, write down what you would do if it happened again. Keep the original yourself and have a copy inserted into your personnel file. Make sure everything is dated.
I’m going through a similar situation at my work, and you have to protect yourself at all times, just in case they all turn against you.
October 27th, 2005 at 12:05 pm
When I was a field investigator for the local power utility company in Phila. I was assigned a female trainee that I got along with well and who had similar years in with the company (17). On about the 5th day out while in my car she began unmistakably flirting with me. Eventually while I drove she put her hand on my leg then to my surprise her pinky found my winky in a very light touch. I was shocked but I must admit not put completely off by this. We were both single at the time. Nothing interesting came of this so I”ll cut to the point of this comment post. Later she came to be in a possible position if authority over me. The incident in the car took on a totally different shading. Some unfair dealings of me started to come from her and her supervisory friends. Unfair pressure came down on me. They felt free to use me to further their power in the office as they saw fit. One day I went into our boss’s office and told him we need a sit down. I went into the office grabbed her by the wrist and led her into his office. I told him the whole car story and that anything that happens to me in the future is going to cause an ass kicking session for both of them (he was very fond of her). Never had a problem with them again. My advise is don’t even think of ever backing down.
October 27th, 2005 at 12:19 pm
First of all the pinhead went way over the line, especially considering he must surely know you do not consider him as any tpe of friend. What I liked about what you did was closing the door and performing a surgical strike in front of several people, including a colleague who you mentioned you get along quite well with. That shows not only determination, but also some savvy in that you had a captive audience. Everyone in that room knew exactly what happened and exactly how you feel about it. There’s no way the story can ever be told differently. ^5
October 27th, 2005 at 2:44 pm
I trust you followed up with an email to the Chief Judge, with read receipt, documenting his offer of the EEO complaint - and the reason for it, which included time, date, place, quote of the remarks and names of those who witnessed it - along with your polite turn-down to pursue it, accompanied by comment referencing that you are confident corporate (or agency) management has undertaken the addressing of the seriousness of the incident with the offender and received documented assurances that such an event will not occur in the future.
In three weeks have your attorney (or a friendly attorney, on his or her letterhead) send a letter to management requesting copies of the “documented assurances.”
Document, document, document. That paper trail is important.
October 27th, 2005 at 2:58 pm
The solution is easy. When someone tells an inappropriate joke, quote the Bible. Jerks HATE the Bible. It doesn’t matter how much you like it. Write down a couple of slamming passages, and keep them handy. You can start with: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Ephesians 4:29 Nobody will fault you for quoteing the Bible back at a jerk.
October 27th, 2005 at 4:08 pm
You did the right thing.
What you described is harassment in the work place, and in this case it could be considered sexual harassment. When these situations occur the first step is to verbally inform the harasser that their comments are inappropriate, make you feel uncomfortable, and that you do not want them to use that kind of communication with you. That you did, and the more better in front of witnesses. Your witnesses can be considered your documentation at this time, but you could enforce your position by a follow up note to the Chief Judge thanking him for his support, yet at this time you have verbally warned “him” to cease. Yet “he” disregards the warning and this inappropriate behavior recurs you will feel it mandates going to the next level of resolve.
From the corporate harassment training I’ve gone through the protocol is:
1. Verbally warn the individual of their inappropiate behavior and request they stop. If that doesn’t stop them.
2. Go to your supervisor with the complaint. It is now the supervisors responsibility to follow up. If that doesn’t work.
3. Go to the Human Resource department with the situation. It is their responsibility to correct the situation to your acceptance. If that doesn’t work.
4. Go to a Lawyer.
It sounds as if you are in a small organization and the Chief Judge is supervisor and Human Resource department all in one. Thus the followup note to him should keep you ahead of the game.
That’s why a lot of harassment cases fail at the first go. Because the individual runs to sue and the company isn’t aware of a problem to begin with and it weakens the case to a “he said she said” debate.
We men all have the asshole gene and an abundance of asshole hormones. What we think to ourselves and what we say between males often times is not appropriate in mixed company. But I must admit, I got a good visual from your story, ooooh I bet you got legs.
October 27th, 2005 at 6:57 pm
Dang, I’ve been know t push the bounds of correctness (with people I know will not be offended) but never that far. You let him off much nicer then most would have.
October 27th, 2005 at 10:51 pm
Ummm Christina… what is it you do for a living… ya know at yer job, again?
October 28th, 2005 at 12:13 pm
Men are visually attracted to women (not big news). IMO, allowing the initial comment about the shapely legs in the office was a license for sensual chat. Getting angry with the second fella is sending mixed messages. For instance, you might not have appreciated even the first comment had it come from someone you didn’t like. I’m not certain about that, of course. Being a woman, I can see the difference between the two comments from a woman’s perspective, but can also see it from the mans. Men are different ‘although wonderful’ animals and we sometimes forget that.
October 29th, 2005 at 9:27 pm
Men are different? altogether wonderful animals?
The second man had been disrespectful before…the first man was a friend. The second KNEW the difference and was in a position of power.
Inexcusable.
I agree with the people that said document. My final straw was working for a man that owned the company…not only had the VP made a comment about my mother’s “nether region” but the Owner made a lewd gesture with a hunting trophy behind me. I couldn’t file anywhere….it was a five person office. The two other women wouldn’t support what they saw, but I felt dirty for a long time. My husband (who was my boyfriend at the time) insisted I quit - I was a single Mom at the time….so the Owner and VP knew I had to stay, but BF proved them wrong.
I regret never doing anything about this. In your case it isn’t “he said, she said” it is “He said, THEY saw” and YOU have back up.
Don’t let this go. If he stays away, he has learned his lesson. If he does it again or retaliates in anyway…file, please?
And document all of the other things, especially the Judge.
Good luck.
October 30th, 2005 at 9:27 am
All good points, of course. But, just for the record, I said..”although”. I didn’t say..”altogether”.
November 2nd, 2005 at 2:47 pm
Robin Williams is 100% correct although in this case blood has never made it to the brain.
November 6th, 2005 at 5:56 am
I am waiting to hear that you’ve documented the incident and put the Chief Judge on notice via memo as suggested above. From personal experience, to do less is more than putting a target on you back. And if it is done, though you may be pegged as a trouble maker by some, the bad boys will give you the wide berth you deserve.
The jerk has some serious problems that need to either be dealt with by years of therapy, or an hour or two in a dark alley. I’d have requested the former in my offer to NOT to drop the EEO card and settled for a stealth and anonymous form of the latter if refused.
November 8th, 2005 at 9:56 am
[…] As an update to an earlier post, it has come to my attention the asshole in question has been detailed to another office for the next several months. He has been sent to my old office in Louisiana where, I am told, they are lying in wait for him… […]